Monday, November 20, 2006

And she falls crashing from her cloud

So... this new man and I have been seeing one another for a little while. We have known one another socially for several years and I have previously told him I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. His heart was broken during this time and he has been dating up a storm with all sorts of women. We would catch up as friends every so often, more so often the last few months. Over time my feelings changed and we have moved from weekly dinners to weekly dinners with kissing and now things are more intimate. I have fallen really really hard and have had to catch myself as I wander around grinning in a blissful state. No one else knows. We decided not to tell our few mutual friends as it might have got a little weird early on, and they would have made this a really big deal.

So... a few weeks ago as things got more intimate Ms Batville, starry-eyed and very happy, thought she should at least tell the man that she was very happy and that her feelings had changed. Normally I would play it cooler than that but I thought some reassurance for him was a good idea. He responded that he was glad to hear it, that he wanted to take it slowly and we should keep it quiet for now, and that he had been seeing someone else casually but that he would end that although it would be messy.

So ... last night after a lovely day together I realised that he was still in contact with a woman. He seems to take hours/a day to respond to my SMS's but I'm pretty sure he was checking out her messages and replying quickly. I don't know that he is still sleeping with her but I'd have to be stupid not to think that was a likely proposition.

So ... that was the point when I fell to earth with a thud. Rather than get too emotional I tried to be calm and firm. I asked him whether he had ended it and he said it was hard to unravel. I told him I deserved better than that and that I didn't want to be the jealous type. I said I wasn't going to compete with someone else but I wasn't going to share him so he needed to make his mind up. I told him I didn't want him to be with me because of some sort of obligation because we have been friends. He responded that it wasn't an obligation, I did deserve better and that he didn't want me to think it was competition. He said that it was going to be messy and there would be hurt but he would attend to it. I told him that I wouldn't bring it up again unless I had to but he should tell me when he had ended it and that he should attend to it soon.

My thoughts:

  1. I don't know if I can trust him. I had always worried about this and now I am in a quandary.
  2. I think I have made it too easy for him. He knows I am very keen and there is not a whole lot of mystery about me when we have been friends for a while and are now sleeping together. Maybe I played this all wrong. I seem to be making the effort now and he gets to have his cake and eat it too.
  3. I don't understand men, or at least this one. Maybe he is scared because I have rejected him in the past. Maybe he is scared because he has had his heart broken and we have always been such good friends that this could end up being a big deal. Or maybe he didn't care for me as a person once we slept together.
  4. I think he might be weak but I don't want to have to make excuses for his behaviour.
  5. I deserve better than this.
  6. I had thought that this relationship might just be on the way to being perfect and that I might have finally found someone I could really end up truly loving. A few months ago I despaired of ever loving and being loved again and now I think I might end up back there.

So ... my plan of action.

  1. Let him call me and chase me a bit.
  2. In a week or so I will ask him if he has finished it.
  3. If he has I will tell him that I don't know if I can trust him and I will be wary so he better know what he wants and he better treat me well.
  4. If he hasn't I will tell him that I deserve better, that we seem to have different levels of respect for one another and that if he really wants to see me he then this wouldn't be an issue. Then I think I will walk away and tell him that if he changes his mind he knows how to contact me. God knows if he would and maybe I would be an idiot to consider it. At least I know that I can't go on if he doesn't have the courage or compassion to put an end to this current situation.

Just typing this out makes me feel a bit better even though I am typing through tears. Maybe I was a fool to believe in the first place and it is better to be a cynical single with a good group of friends than a naive idiot who gets duped. Maybe love is something that happens for only a lucky few.

16 comments:

gigglewick said...

Ms Batville,

Sometimes boys are just plain dumb.

Congratulations on your forthrightness in dealing with this: I don't know that I would have been that calm or that controlled in the same situation.

But also: I can't say that I get the whole multi-person-dating thing. I quickly extinguished any half-hearted dalliances almost as soon as Mr Fix and I started seeing each other, but as I understand it from my mates "exclusivity", particularly in the early days, is a thing of the past, OR something that has to be negotiated and talked through.

On a whole range of levels, I reckon that kind of sucks.

This might all be coloured of course by the fact that we were very much (and almost immediately) in love with each other. I don't know how I would have felt if it had been less emphatic than that.

I think your plan of action sounds like a really sane, sensible one, as I said earlier, far more sensible than I would be in the same scenario.

Crying not the worst reaction to your current dilemma - I really feel for you and hope your boy works it out.

M said...

I think you're comments to him are fair enough! If you both want the relationship to have a life then there absolutely has to only be two of you in the relationship.

Your action plan sounds really good. Hang in there - give him a go and see where you find yourselves in a few weeks.

M said...

err, above comment was from me.

Snoskred said...

I don't think love is only something that happens for a lucky few. But one thing I do know you need in order for it to work out is to be committed to giving it a go, and once you've given it a go and decide you like it, you have to be committed to each other. Trust is a must, too. It seems like you've both been on different pages.

So I like your plan of action but the number one issue for me would be the fact that you don't know if you can trust him. That's a deal breaker for me, and maybe it is for you too, from what you've written.

Maybe taking yourself out on couple of dates in the meantime might not be the worst of ideas, either? Whether you choose to invite another bloke along is not the point - maybe you should have a couple of dates with yourself, odd as that might sound.. ;) Go to the botanic gardens or the zoo for a walk, it always cheers me up.. :)

meva said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Oh, Ms Batville my heart goes out to you. It's horrible being in that situation. I do think you are being quite sensible though, despite the tears, which are a fair enough response.

One thing I do know from dicking about in my thirties is that you have to be firm. It's not about how well you play a situation, but about what you will accept, or settle for. I was hopeless and would always think that if only... and think that things would change. They didn't. And so I often had several on the go, you know to cover my bases. Then I met G again, (after 3 years). He made it very plain to me at the start that he would accept no messing around, no sharing, it was a yes or no proposition. It was a relief. There are good men out there and they are worth waiting for.

(I'm not saying that this man isn't a good one, he may well be. He might just need to know that he can't mess with you. You do deserve to be be treated right.)

I'm not Craig said...

I was so sorry to read this and it made me wish I knew you offline so we could invite you over for an afternoon of eating good cake and probably a few martinis (or any other gin-based drink of choice).

May I say that I think Meva is entirely right about trust and about love coming from knowledge and I agree with Gigglewick on exclusivity.

As to whether it's better to be a cynical single, I told myself that it was for a good decade or so. but, for me at least, that wasn't right, probably because, in my case, the cynicism was my shield and I got far too good at hiding behind it and keeping everyone at a distance.

I finally decided that this was a bad idea and so the next time I met someone I was interested in I took the plunge and asked her out. It was a complete disaster and deeply embarassing and made me want to give up on relationships forever and possibly take some sort of vows.

A few months later I met my Honey Bear and suddenly it was all worth it.

Please don't give up, and please never forget that you are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy.

Watershedd said...

Relationships are the most rewarding things in our lives, but they can also be the most destructive when the other person fails to meet our standards. I spent a number of years hating the person in the mirror until I realised what mattered was standing up for myself, setting a baseline for what I would accept and made a descision to stand by it. It's not easy, but it does mean your self respect is healthy and that you will therefore survive - you know you are worth more. If he's been a friend for so long why would he think it's OK to put you in such a situation? I understand your faltering trust and you need to make it clear to him, should you continue to see him, that he's done such damage. Lack of honesty, trust and loyalty in what should be an exclusive relationship come at a very high price. Chin up, Ms. Batville. You've chosen the correct action and he must now wear the consequences. You're worth being treated well. Don't accept any less.

cristy said...

What a horrible situation. I am so sorry to hear about this.

I think that your other commenters are quite right. You should never have to play any game or hold back a part of yourself for a good relationship to work. The right one will work because of complete honesty and openess.

If you feel as though you cannot give yourself to this guy - that you cannot trust him to treat you well when you make yourself vulnerable - then I don't think that it will work (at least, not now, not while he is in such a headspace).

The fact that he kept seeing another person after telling you that he would end it is a bad sign.

I would definitely take some space and focus just on yourself for a while. As you said, if anything happens between you and this guy, it must now be on your terms and you must feel confident that you can trust him completely.

Food Kitty said...

So sad when luscious kisses end in tears.
Since you feel the way you do, give him time, not ultimatums. But keep your distance until he wants you, and only you in return.

At times like these, I would resort to a large ice filled brandy snifter filled with Cointreau - old fashioned yes, but very consoling..

LadyCracker said...

Horrible stuff. I think you are going about it the right way though. Give me open and honest over wishy washy anyday.

And love isn't always so lucky - look at the multitude of people wandering around with broken hearts and bones in the name of love. You'll find what you want and you'll know what it is the minute it slaps you about the head.

p.s If he hasn't ended it, tell him to shove off. You do deserve better than that.

obtuse-a said...

play it cool dearest.
don't be obvious about it, but there may or may not be a couple of other boys you are thinking about, if you know what i mean.
sorry boys out there, but when it comes to any sense of competition, they fall for it everytime. for some bizarre reason.

And don't tell him how you feel! cold cold or luke warm till he spends the time trying to thaw you. be discrete. and always look your best, as though you are going somewhere after you meet up with him for a casual drink.

meva said...

I just reread what I wrote, and I think I'd had too much champagne! Appalling mush!

Maintain your standards, Ms B. If he can't be monogomous, cut him loose.

Ariel said...

I don't think you sound naive or doomed to a cynical loveless life. I think it sounds like you are seeing my ex-boyfriend (if you could call it that). I have been in pretty much exactly this situation - and I wish I had handled it as sensibly as you plan to.

If this guy is truly your friend (let alone more than that), he shouldn't be f***ing you around or making you play silly games where he makes up the rules.

He's right about one thing, by the sounds of it - you do deserve better.

Boys do seem to desire what they can't have, sadly. I can say this about some of my best friends. Let him think he can't have you, that he's blown it, and he'll realise the error of his ways (though that's playing games ...)

Best of luck with it. And take care.

meva said...

O MsB! I hope things are well with you. We haven't heard from you for a while. I hope it's because of lustful bliss...

Ms Batville said...

Thank you so much for your comments friends. You don't know how much they have meant to me this week and I count myself lucky to have such great posters, including some new people to welcome.

I know my tiny little problems don't amount to a hill of beans in this world and certainly don't compare to the horror that Audrey and others are going through, so I hope my post didn't seem too selfish or indulgent.

This whole thing really upset me more than I thought it would. I'm normally a sensible, cynical type who doesn't tend to let her emotions run away. I have certainly been able to keep a stiff upper lip and go about my normal business, but my stomach has been churning and I have felt nauseous almost all week. I am almost embarrassed to admit that I could get so worked up over a boy.

I have followed my own advice and yours, and have played it very cool. After no contact at all I got a fairly lenghty email detailing how busy he has been. Since then he has been very quick on the email response and I've been fairly non-committal which is actually how I feel.

gigglewick - I think this boy is just plain dumb. I don't think that he gets that he has/will/can upset me and lose me very easily. I also don't get the non-exclusivity thing. Maybe because I just don't actually find that many boys that I like, let alone at the one time.

M - Thank you. There can only be two of us in a relationship. If he wants something else then it not a relationship any more.

Snoskred - Thank you for your comments. To some extent we may have been on different pages and you are right about the trust thing. To some extent I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because I know him and because he as the one who initially told me about the other woman and told me that he would end it as he knew I had different expectations. So I give him some credit for that and for (sort-of) acknowledging where I was and being prepared to accomodate it. He will however lose that credit if he lets the situation continue. (BTW- your comments on Audrey's post are awesome - you give really good advice)

Meva - I am sorry you removed your post. I don't think it was too mushy - it was really lovely and I was touched by it. Thank you for your thoughts.

Janet - Thanks for your perspective. I discussed this with one female friend and she actually had a similar view and had been in a similar situation. She said that avoided fixing it not because she didn't want the confrontation and it wasn't until later she realised she could have hurt the person she was doing it for.

I'm not Craig - how nice to have a male voice. Thank you for your comments. I will remember what you said no matter what happens.

Watershedd - Your comments touched a nerve. I have done some looking in the mirror myself and decided that that I do deserve better and that if this all ends because of that then that will be for the best.

Cristy - I like your advice about him having to be in the headspace to treat me well when I am vulnerable. I may end up borrowing those words to put that to him if this thing looks like going anywhere.

foodkitty - I agree. Both about the ultimatiums and the Cointreau. I will give him a little time and he can make a decision. If he doesn't or won't or if he doesn't want me then at least I know. I am not going to force the issue or guilt him or scare him.

LadyCracker - Thanks. I can't stand wishy-washy and intend to be nice (but not too nice) and direct in this.

obtuse-a - Good advice. Am feeling particuarly cool but plan to look appropriately fetching in a non-slutty film-noir slightly untouchable but not overdressed way (if you know what I mean).

Ariel - I am so sorry you have been in this situation. I agree that playing games isn't ideal but actually I feel like making him work for this. A few days of reflection and I have cooled right off. I deserve more and I intend to act as I feel.

So, thanks all. I will be seeing him tonight at a mutual friend's party. I won't push the issue re the other as I know he has been working insane hours and pulling all-nighters so I don't expect that he may have seen her yet. If he raises it we can talk about it. If not I will stick to my original plan, play it cool and give him a bit more time to get himself and his mess sorted.

A girl has to have standards in a relationship. Set them early and don't compromise. Who knows what will eventuate but you can all be assured that your kind words have helped this little black duck stick to her resolve.