Ms Batville at the movies: The Bank Job

Went to see this over the weekend. Not a bad little English crime caper - the sort of film that Guy Ritchie might have made if he hadn't lost his mojo starring at Madonna's oddly stretched face.

The plot is supposedly based on a true story. The British Secret Service, through the very gaunt and underfed Saffron Burrows, engage a bunch of petty crims to rob a bank vault in order to recover incriminating photographs of a British Royal. We are supposed to guess the royal is Princess Margaret. The crims manage to stumble upon some other secrets, and buy themselves a whole lot of trouble.

The acting is pretty good throughout, although one worried that Burrows might faint at a key moment through lack of food. Guest spots from a whole lot of those British actors with interesting faces that you see on great BBC dramas plus a small role from the guy who was in To the Manor Born. Sadly however there was no Penelope Keith. (Come to think of it, a gritty crime caper with Penelope Keith in a guest role might be something for Guy Ritchie to consider.)

The plot is interesting but the dialogue is a tad too reminiscent of an episode of Minder at times, possibly because of the number of women whimpering "It was always you Terry" at a balding petty car dealer whose supposed sex appeal is a complete mystery to me. The term "villains" is used a bit too often and suggests that the screenwriters were not taking the thing too seriously. There is a bit of violence and action to keep the boys interested. Impressively the film opens with a pumping loud Get it On from T-Rex, which can never be a bad thing.

Overall, the film is a good way to spend a few hours, but this one won't change your life. In five years you will stumble across this on TV, ponder the strange outdated period when women like Saffron Burrows had trout-pouts, watch it for a bit and then change the channel. After that you will forget it completely.

*** out of *****

Dear god no.

Some of you may have seen my previous post about the abomination that I'm betting will be Australia the movie. At that time I predicated that there would be a subplot that featured a "warm and loving friendship" with a "small and non-threatening Aboriginal child". Well lo and behold, apparently the film " introduces to the screen Brandon Walters at Nullan, the boy who steals Lady Ashley's (aka our Nicole) heart".


Exhibit A:



OK, so he is a really cute kid but I still reckon the film will be a dud, worthy of naught but our best cultural cringe.

Disturbingly I can find out all about the "phenomal buzz" that will surround this film on the Tourism Australia website, a site which, on its face, appears to be less about Australia the country, and more about Australia the movie.

This may be because our Baz Luhrmann (director of "Australia") has created a new tourism campaign for this wide brown land, apparently based on the feelings evoked for him during shooting. Baz has said that he hopes to "convey an emotional experience that is possible from going the extra distance" which is a big call from a man who has described the remarkably and increasingly wax and ice like Nicole Kidman as a "life force to be reckoned with".

This leads me to wonder what these ads might be like. I'm guessing that they might feature one or more of the following: charming little bush urchins grinning at the camera (aka young Brandon above), sunsets, Bill Hunter, blokes tipping their hats at the camera and/or women in bikinis, didgeridoos, waterholes, waterfalls, lots of water generally which you won't actually find as Australia is in a long term drought, kangaroos, women in inappropriate makeup and weird costumes, men with inappropriate makeup and weird costumes, dancing, red petticoats, emus, stoic blokes, girly women, red dust, Utes, crocodiles. Pretentiousness, unrealistic and a tad scary - tick.

We could trust Tourism Australia that this new campaign will turn out alright, but then they were the lot responsible for introducing the world to Lara Bingle, and then having her banned in the UK.

I, for one, don't predict a huge upswing in international tourism.

Ms Batville at the movies: Quick and dirty film reviews for the month of July

I've seen quite a few films over the last month and a bit (the pleasures of being child free and dating) and I've meant to write a review all of them. Time has skipped away so using a rating out of 5 stars, here is a simple and efficient Ms Batville summary of my recent viewing pleasures:


Children of the Silk Road
David Wenham almost steals the show in a five minute role at the start of the film where he plays the hard bitten cynic Australian journalist. Great scenery, cute kids, bloody awful dialogue, predictable plot. Jonathan Rhys Meyers sounds like he escaped from a cheap remake of Brideshead Revisted. Spent much of the last half the film thinking about whether I could get my hair to look like Michelle Yeoh's. Regrettably I decided I could not.
***

The Dark Knight
Chris Nolan can do no wrong by me. One of the best casts of recent times, cool stuff that blows up to excite the male gender, Maggie Gyllenhaal rocks and there minimum use of "lame dialogue but we can use this in the trailer" moments. (80's less famous sibling spot - Eric Roberts, brother of Julia.)
***1/2

Hancock
OK so Will Smith's character is an allegory for the US. I got that. I didn't get how the scriptwriters lost their way half way through and tacked on a mismatched love story that didn't fit with the first half. At all. (80's less famous sibling spot - Jason Batemen, brother of Justine.)
**

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
I love love love Cate Blanchett but she should have known better. I will never never never forgive Spielberg for wasting Karen Allen like that so she could spend the film gazing lovingly up at Harrison Ford's face lift scars whimpering "Oh Indy".
*1/2

Iron Man
Robert Downey Jnr, how I love thee. Is there a more talented "kick the others out of the park with his raw charisma" actor around today? No there is not. "I am Iron Man." Could have been silly but I loved it!
****

Lars and the Real Girl
This is still showing in cinemas, and that in itself leaves me with a feeling of fatigue much like the film. OK, but I'm over films about the quirky inhabitants of small American towns. It was old 15 minutes after Fargo.
**

Mongol
Gladiator in a yurt. Genghis did it all for a girl, only killed when neccessary and wasn't that bad a bloke. Really.
**

The Orphanage
Mildly scary at parts, a tad predictable but starring one of those authenic Spanish actresses who can look sexy while looking her age. An extra star for that
***

It is not exactly David Stratton but you get the gist.

Hello dearies (but not in a Dame Edna way)

I'm back. Shamed by I'm not Craig and dismayed by the number of people who visit my blog after typing the words 'strange' and 'sex' and 'opposite' into Google Images and decide to check out a photo of a man licking a turtle, I can stay away no longer.

Truthfully I've been far too busy with The Man (all good), waaaay too much work and waaaay too much worry, life, low iron levels (must eat more beef), lack of sleep and not enough fun. I lost my inspiration for the written word for a while, however I've determined to stride purposefully back into this little blog (mentally I'm wearing some lovely grey wool Katherine Hepburn style wide leg pants and patent pumps when I do this) to see where it takes me.

Besides which, there is much commentary to be had about Australia the movie .

I look forward to catching up.

Ms B

Egad - Don't do "Australia" Hugh

News in that Baz Luhrmann has found a title for his new epic which tells the story of an aristocrat who inherits a cattle station called Faraway Downs prior to World War II. It is apparently to be called .... wait for it... "Australia". It will star Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

According to Lurhmann he is "taking the perspective of the rest of the world to this film how they might view 'Australia...When you say 'Casablanca' or 'Oklahoma!' it means big. It means vast... I'm not saying this film is Australia. It's a metaphor for a state of mind, for the faraway."

Actually of course I could point out to Baz that Casablanca is really quite a small film with only a few sets and where all the action takes place over 3-4 days. The characters are well developed due to excellent dialogue and subtle acting and the film has a slightly claustrophobic feel which is why it works so well. It wasn't designed to be a big film, and had it been it would probably have seemed hokey and ridiculous.

So, at the risk of sounding un-Austrayan, can I say that I loathed Moulin Rouge and I can't imagine how bad this film could be. It seems to me that since Strictly Ballroom our Baz has disappeared up his own sphincter. Mate, we get the cultural references and the big statements, we just don't need to have them slammed down our throat in technicolour. Calling a film "Australia" is a bit like calling it "Movie" or called a book "Novel".

I also can't imagine our Nicole looking like she belongs on a pre-WWII Western Australian cattle farm. Firstly, no one who lived there could look that pale. Secondly, as far as I know, Botox is yet to make it to Broome in 2006, let alone back in the 30's. The only fun part of the film is likely to be watching her try and fail to furrow her unknotted brow at the various setbacks that will befall her and Hugh.

The story is sure to feature some mystic Aboriginal subplot which will no doubt be resolved through a warm and loving friendship that forms with a small and non-threatening Aboriginal child or elder who will heal any rifts between white and black communities. Terra nullius won't be a problem, and everyone will live happily ever after in the way they still do in the Kimberley. Maybe we might get the homestead threatened by a bushfire, or a plague of locusts, or uncooperative shearers . Crops and animals will die like there is no tomorrow. There will be some racist and stupid local bureaucrats who will utter phrases like "Stone the crows mate, he won't last long at Faraway Downs, they never do". Through all of this Hugh will probably look resolute and sexy, while Nicole will look pale, seriously underfed and remarkably untroubled. A few glycerine tears will hint at her distress but Baz won't be able to stop there and will need to add some swelling music and closeups of her very blue contact lenses as part of his love affair with his ice queen. The costumes will look fabulous but completely impractical, and the dialogue will sound like it was written by Bill Collins. If we are really unlucky our Keith (who is actually a Kiwi) will contribute to the soundtrack.

Following the film's release we will have to endure an endless publicity campaign where Hugh and Nicole will sit grimacing next to Baz while he talks over them, raves about his vision and her blue eyes, and generally acts like someone who has forgotten to take their Ritalin. In interviews Hugh will be gracious and charming, and Nicole will seem forced talking about how she really got into the psyche of the character, and how much she just loves her home country.

You heard it hear first, Ms Batville predicts that "Australia" will be a turkey.

Judging a book by its index

Recently whilst browsing in a bookstore, I had reason to think about the index reference checks I have adopted over the years.

These are those items that I will search in the index of a book that purports to be encyclopedic in its area to see whether the book is worth buying. If the index doesn't contain the particular reference I am looking for then I conclude the book is a slap-dash effort. If my reference is there I will investigate further the text further.

As far as I can recall, here all the index checkers I use:

• Any book listing significant Hollywood actors or actresses needs to have Rosalind Russell. After all she was nominated for four Academy Awards. I recently came across a book of "greatest stars of all time" that omitted her but had Kurt Russell! Likewise it should ideally also include Natalie Wood, Eve Arden, Irene Dunn, George Raft and James Cagney.
• Eleanor Roosevelt needs to be included in any list of great historical figures or great women.
• Any book on great musicians or jazz needs to include Django Reinhardt.
• A book listing great songs or standards should list The Lady is a Tramp.
• Any cocktail book needs to include recipes for a Negroni and for an original Daiquiri (ie with lime).
• A general cookbook must contain a recipe for french onion soup.
• Any list of significant historical events should include Hearst's alleged role in blowing up The Maine in Havana Harbour in 1898 and starting the Spanish-American war. As a fairly significant event in terms of press manipulation this one needs some commentary.
• A book on great cities and travel experiences should list Melbourne.
• A book of great quotes needs to include both Dolly Parton and Nelson Mandela.
• A book of great speeches needs to includes Ted Kennedy's speech at the 1980 Democratic National Convention when he withdrew from the nomination for President. Even better if it contains Sojourner Truth's "Ain't I a Woman" speech from 1851.
• Depending on the context I will check books on films for one or more of the following: The Women, Spellbound (the 1947 version), His Girl Friday, Barefoot in the Park, The Thin Man, Little Caesar, The Maltese Falcon, The Magnificent Ambersons and The Awful Truth.
• A text on Australian history and events needs to record our (shameful) role in the 1975 invasion of East Timor.
• A book on great political leaders or Presidents better devote some time to Harry Truman.
• Gardening books need to explain how to care for gardenias when their leaves turn yellow (as mine do constantly).

I fear that this could be a Ms Batville only habit as it does smack a tad of Asperger's Syndrome. I think I need a catchier name than "index reference checks" for this but am running low on inspiration.

Discoveries

I am a fan of old Hollywood films and love a good old-fashioned dish-the-dirt Hollywood biography, particularly if it is written by or about an actor or actress who is largely forgotten about today.

Sure it is a strange and unfashionable habit that is possibly more suited to a gay man or a sad old bloke with a bad toupee (hello Bill Collins) but what can I say - I love the old goss. Even since I read Evelyn Keye's autobiography to escape the horror of a caravan park holiday when I was twelve I had enjoyed this guilty pleasure. Poor old Evelyn called her book Scarlett O'Hara's younger sister for all those in the bookstore who asked the question "Who?"

I had reason to leave Batville this week and travel to the Sticks. One compensation of country travel is the discoveries you can make in second hand bookstores. Imagine my excitement at the following purchases which added up to a grand total of $14.

I have no idea why Stewart Grainger has called his autobiography "Sparks fly upwards" but I am sure I can report on this soon. Strangely if you had asked me last week what I knew about him I would have said bugger all really but I would have guessed that he was married to Jean Simmons (the actress, not the lead singer of KISS). Scanning the book I was able to confirm this. Why did I know this? How did this piece of truly useless information stick in my brain when I can't remember to buy coffee when I run out? Very odd.

As for the other book I have always liked Sheilah Graham even since I saw the movie they made about her and F Scott Fitzgerald Beloved Infidel. Gregory Peck played Fitzgerald very unconvincgly but Deborah Kerr was wonderful in her kind English way as Sheliah.

A weekend of reading bliss awaits.